via san antonio, tx

merry christmas.  i can't get away from 'merry christmas.'  not that it's a horrible thing, i mean, today is the one day when all people are friendly.  but i'm still kind of sick of it.

it is also guaranteed the one day of the year i will go to church.  i go with my family and i usually don't get too upset about it.  i still consider myself, at the very least, a person of faith in a higher power.  might as well admit that every year or so.  but i'm constantly bugged by the christmas day sermon.  y'know, the "the world has forgotten the meaning of christmas..." crap.  i know they have.  you know they have.  everybody in the building knows they have.  let's move on and create positive change instead of bitching about what the shitheads up at corporate are doing.  give an inspirational speech...this is the one day you actually have all of us listening to you.  but, no, today was more of the same.  except today's priest added a twist.  not, "put christ back in christmas," but, "put christmas back in christmas."  same shit, different terminology.

i'm in san antonio with my family on the way to a game reserve that my brother picked out.  they have 900 acres of exotic (and sometimes endangered) animals that you can pay up to $5000 to kill.  not hunt.  kill.  they already have kyle's elk picked out.  as in...they know which one he's going to kill and they know where it hangs out.

i'm supposed to kill an antelope, but i'm not sure i want to because it's expensive (my parent's money) and that just doesn't seem fun.  possibly if we were hunting, but we're not...as i already stated.  i've hunted.  i have no problems with guns or killing animals that you intend to eat, but this is stupid.  and i don't want to do it.

but, here i am in san antonio.  the riverwalk is beautiful.  our hotel room is huge.  kyle's girlfriend is weird and i am effectively alone.

it is a huge reminder of why i now live in chicago.  my parents have had such a hard time pleasing my little brother over the years that they've forgotten about me as a person.  they still think of me as a child and treat me as such.  they tell people how happy i am, and how i've finally found my niche.  they bring kyle on trips to go hunting and make racist jokes so that his friends will think they're cool.

my dad was an assistant scoutmaster when kyle and i were in boy scouts.  he was cool.  he brought us where we wanted to go, and he was damn good at making us feel as if we were in charge (when in reality he had everything under control).  when kyle joined the fraternity, they asked my dad to become their adult advisor because they knew they could get away with anything if he was in charge.  and, thus, they have corrupted my family.  now cletus sees them and knows that racism is cool.  he talks to them and knows that hunting is cool.  he hangs out with them and believes that drinking cheap, shitty beer is acceptable.  while i sit on the other side of the fence yelling, "hey, you racist fucks!!  stop trying to steal my dad and brother!!"  but nobody is listening anymore.  my mom acts like she is, but nothing ever changes.

so i went to chicago.  there, i am happy.  there, i have true friends and true enemies.  there are lines drawn and black and white pictures to be filled in with colors if and when i choose.  there is moving forward and not looking back.  it is a good, safe, wonderful place that fills my soul every time i step out of my apartment.  or even when i'm in my apartment with those that i love.

wait.  i'm still in san antonio.  and tomorrow i must hunt.  or deal with people calling me a hippy.  or hippie.  (i've never known which it is).  this is why i'm sittin on our porch with a bottle of olde english typing on my computer.  because when my dad suggested we take a carraige ride through the city and i sit up front with the driver, i told him that it was the last thing i wanted to do because i didn't feel like listening to some stupid carraige driver's stupid jokes about a boring city...well...they decided to go anyway.  i walked around for a little bit longer.  i recognized that the hard rock cafe and joe's crabshack did not constitute cool and then i walked into a convenience store.  on christmas day, mind you.  i walked into a convenience store and bought a big malt liquor.  the woman behind to counter grabbed my hand and told me to be careful.  i told her i was going back to my hotel room where my family was waiting and she looked sad.  i hid it in my jacket somehow and told my brother not to wait up for me and i came out here.

for the record, i'm in the drury hotel on the sixth floor, overlooking the aztec theatre and the fake space needle.  the drury hotel offers all of their guests three free alcoholic beverages every night between 5:30 and 7 o'clock.  my family went down there.  i was the only person to drink three.  i think it's becoming obvious that i am miserable.